


Cross-dressing Carl and His Best Friend Bert

by cvstw, Pineprin137



Category: Original Work
Genre: Best Friends, Crack, Crossdressing, Depending on when they get out of jail, Fake little sisters, Humor, Ice Cream, Jail, Maybe - Freeform, Mention of Chris Pine, Mention of Kristen Stewart, Panty Kink, he doesn't, janitors, she dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-21
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-11-01 14:59:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17869415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cvstw/pseuds/cvstw, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pineprin137/pseuds/Pineprin137
Summary: Two janitors, one horrible prank, a theft of undergarments, and a blueberry blitz cone equals one hilarious night in jail.





	Cross-dressing Carl and His Best Friend Bert

“Well, this is a nice change of scenery.”

“It’s a prison cell.”

“I was being sarcastic.”

“Now is not the time to be funny.”

“I’m always funny. It’s who I am.”

“It’s what got us in here.”

“Well, maybe the _coroner_ should learn to take a joke.”

“You _ruined_ my good overalls!”

“How was I supposed to know he would trip over the bucket. His face was priceless though!”

“Hehe. Yeah, it kind of was. But the cow’s head covering her body on the... what’s it called?”

“Oh, _yes_ . Let me just grab my encyclopedia of morgue definitions so I can tell you the exact name of the metal slab where the _body_ goes before he _chops_ it up.”

“The cow’s head was a bit too realistic, don’t you think?”

“I heard he grew up on a farm. Shouldn’t he know the difference?”

“It was a _potato farm_ , you idiot.”

“Oh. My bad.”

“I guess it was partly my fault as well. _I’m_ the one who reads the papers. I should have known it was _her_ autopsy.”

“ _She_ probably would have laughed.”

“ _You_ knew her personally?”

“But of course! I just forgot to _mention_ that I know your celebrity crush! No, I didn’t know her, you moron. She’s just a _body_ in a _morgue_ where I mop the floors. ”

“Insensitive much? What are we going to tell the investigators?”

“Well, I would _never_ lie! But half-truths don’t count.”

“Like how you only told me _half_ your age when we first met?”

“HAHAHAHA! _You’re_ the one who believed I was only seventeen!”

“Right. Let’s just forget about that. Christ. Let’s focus on our story, what are we going to say? Do we mention the ice cream truck?”

“Hmmm...well, I mean the truck is probably the easiest to explain. You’re... little sister... wanted a blueberry blitz cone _desperately_ at 2 in the morning and the guy...left the keys in the truck... which happened to be parked outside the precinct. _We_ had no choice! We couldn’t come back empty-handed, now could we?”

“That’s not exactly what ha… never mind. Let’s roll with that.”

“Hey, uh, Bert?”

“ _What_.”

“Could you...maybe... turn around?”

“You better not be fucking with me.”

“I had like three slushies on the way to your place. I uh...gotta go.”

“Okay. Nevermind, I was expecting something worse. Go ahead.”

“Oh yeah...I’ve been holding that in since they dragged us from the water down at the docks.”

“So, while your pants are down…”

“...”

“Ladies in prison, they, you know… can you stick this up uh… we better hide _this_ from the cops.”

“ _Well_ , if I was a _lady_ we would be saved. But I’m not. So _you_ can shove it up your ass.”

“Linda?”

“How many times do I need to remind you _Linda_ is my _stage_ name. I will personally rip off your balls if you call me that in front of Deputy Nigel. He finally smiled at me last week.”

“I guess I just always hoped for the best. But now I’m stuck here with _you_ , cow sculpture parts in my drowned, stolen ice cream truck… at least my _sister_ got something good out of it… in _your_ version of the story anyway.”

“First of all, it is _our_ stolen ice cream truck. Second, they are not _cow parts_ , they are bovine anatomy. Besides, they already towed the truck. There is _nothing_ to worry about. Except for how we are going to reimburse that poor Lithuanian man for his waterlogged ice cream…”

“You’re not worried about that her mutilated body? We messed with evidence. Remember what they told us when they hired us? We are throwing away our pension, all so _you_ could get back at the coroner.”

“We didn’t tamper with any evidence. We didn’t even _touch_ the body, the cow did. So technically if they’re going to arrest someone, it should be the cow. And Coroner Mills _deserved_ it for almost locking me in the morgue five years ago!”

“What about K-Stew’s silky red see-through G-string?”

“Dude. Not my problem. You’re the one with the freaky underwear fetish. You should have just left them in the bag with the rest of her belongings.”

“How am I being scolded about my fetishes by a cross-dressing janitor? In prison? Anyway, once I saw her name written on the toe tag, I couldn’t resist.”

“True. I mean if it were Chris Pine I would've done the same thing.”

“You think we can cut a deal with Nigel?”

“I know _I_ can. But you may be out of luck. Maybe you should plead insanity, they’d go for that.”

“Oh come on, Linda! Carl! Whoever you are! I’m in here because of _your_ stupid plan. Help me out, man!”

“Okay. Just, let _me_ do all the talking. You sit there and... look pretty. I’ll have us out of here and in Nigel’s pants in no time!”

“Guess I better get out of these mop-water drenched overalls.”

“What? Why? Wait! NO! He’s mine! Back off Captain Ladies Underpants!”

“No worries, he’s all yours.”

“Good. Hey, uh, Bert?”

“What?”

“Did I mention they were the 44 oz slushies?”

**Author's Note:**

> We blame the abundance of Valentine candy and a lack of sleep. No cows or celebrities were harmed in the making of this story. (We do not own Kristen or Chris. This is fiction. Any similarities to the events of this story are a coincidence.)


End file.
